I know I haven't written anything in about six months, but it's been an insane season.
For starters, I graduated Christ for the Nations on May 15, 2015.
That was also my and Rhys' 6th month anniversary.
And the day he proposed.
We are getting married in 73 days, the day before our one year anniversary.
And that's an insane God-story in and of itself.
I also moved out on my own and got my own little apartment, and a new job.
I left the humans hotel and now work as a concierge at a high rise condo in Downtown Dallas, and the penthouse for sale is starting at $9 Million. (I struggle to count to 1,000.)
Speaking of struggles, the struggle has been very, very real since graduating Bible college and entering into "life".
I'm reminded of a song from Paramore, one of Rhys' favorite bands, in which their lyrics read, "Don't go crying to your Momma, 'cause you're on your own in the real world." And let me tell you, good God she was right. But I have cried to my Mom several times on how hard everything has been.
The apartment that seemed like it would be a good investment has been from Hell. First off, if you haven't seen me, here's a picture (not to toot my own horn but just to prove a point):
I tell people where I live and I get a wide eyed, mouth drops, "why the heck are you THERE?!" look. Well, I'm there because that's all I could afford when I graduated, and I didn't want to move home to Vegas because I had a good job and a great boyfriend, turned fiance overnight, and I knew moving to another state 23 hours away wouldn't be very good or healthy for our relationship. Unfortunately, things did not go as I planned. (Then again, when do they ever?)
Within a few months, I had dipped into more than half of my savings just to keep up with bills, I was budgeting like a crazy person allowing myself one tank of gas for everything (which doesn't go very far when you want to see your fiance who lives 36 miles away), I ate a lot of eggs (before their price skyrocketed), a lot of ramen, and a lot of Taco Bell. (Hey, it's cheap! $4 and you're full... of gas.) My good job which I was banking on working full-time of 40 hours wasn't working out so well either. The hotel was under construction and complete renovations, so guests were not happy and we Front Desk/Guest Service Agents got the brunt of their anger, complaining and disappointments. In my last few months I also got stuck working 10 hour shifts only three days a week, which meant dipping into savings even more. And when I got home things weren't any better.
I would get home between 9-Midnight most nights, and the first three weeks of me moving there was a creepy guy who would watch me walk from my car to my apartment--which happened to be on the third floor. I had no furniture other than a blow up bed I borrowed from a co-worker for my first month. I was careful to not use too much water or A/C, and for the first few nights just lit candles because I was scared of racking up my bill. I took ten minute showers, most of them were cold because I couldn't figure out the faucet, which hit my head, but it beat a bucket so I wasn't complaining about that. My lullabies consist of car alarms, most of which I have learned to tune out rather than freak out wondering if it's mine, and abusive relationships. Two weeks ago I had a woman yelling at a drunkard in her kitchen, then yelling and telling another neighbor how she pulled out this "$3 whore" and told that B**** that she was going to blow her brains out in the parking lot. I've seen heroine needles left in the dirt by the stairs, which went missing later that night, and found hash laying outside my door. But my neighbor across from me has a giant German Shepherd, so she's the one I'm running to if I need anything. I woke up at 8 on my day off one day to drilling, terrified that someone was trying to break in, only to open the door and see two Chinese shorties and a random white guy who were just as scared to see the Bride of Frankenstein (as I imagine that's what I resembled with my gym shorts, crazy hair, and no makeup) as I was to see them. They were taking off the weatherstrips of my door, and the new ones they put on make it impossible to close my door unless I ninja kick it. Oh yeah, and it's kinda funny but a little racist in that all the African Americans are on the first floor, the Mexicans are on the second, and we whitey's are on the third. Granted, I don't have anything worth stealing, minus a couch I scored for $175 which was only three months old, and a Queen size bed and headboard I got from a friend. But it took three of us an hour to move those two things up, so I doubt anyone would even bother trying.
Needless to say, my relationship with Jesus wasn't so hot in the midst of this. I became really bitter, very angry, and very self-sufficient in thinking I could handle everything on my own and do it all in my own power. But recently, I have been falling more and more to my knees screaming, "Jesus, ayudame!" And indeed He has. I can't say he was okay or very happy with my attitude towards life, or my negligence to involve Him more, but He's gracious and loves us even when we are bratty kids who throw tempertantrums. And I threw too many. But He kept watching out for me. He kept providing. My grama would send me a little bit of money every month and that usually took care of my bills and a tank of gas which got me through one week. I "randomly" got $100 rebate for using a third party website to fly to Vegas so Rhys and I could see the venues and plan our wedding. (Which is coming in November! Woot!) I got another $100 a few months after that for using an apartment search agent--granted I don't like the place he got me, but the rebate definitely helped. I got a $200 deposit back from CFNI that my parents paid three years ago, but were gracious enough to let me keep. People would buy me meals. Co-workers would give me food they couldn't finish or didn't want-- I got a free pizza and sushi twice, and a Java Monster. I got random coupons and deals, like an $18 oil change for being with Progressive. My car insurance went down when Rhys added me to his plan, which cut his payments in half as well. So it was through random little blessings, that I was too busy and caught up in the freak out's of finances to understand or truly appreciate at the time, that got me through the summer. It was also the first summer in five years where I haven't done anything with ministry. (I was supposed to be a co-leader of a young adults group at a friend's church, but it fell through before it even started. Which ended up being a blessing in disguise as God told me to not join immediately post-CFNI, and Rhys and I ended up moving to a different church where we feel very welcomed and know we can find ways to plug in when we decide it's best.)
But it was the last blessing, the biggest one, that settled me and reminded me that God's in control, even when everything seems to be going to Hell. My old roomie from my last year at CFNI, got a job at a high rise condo in downtown and was making $4/hour more than I was. She knew I was struggling, and that I was looking for a second job (to add onto the hotel, originally I was looking at waittressing). She talked to her AGM and within a week she got me an in, which got me an interview, and within a week I had applied to two locations, both of which paid higher than I was making and were the same distance from my apartment as the hotel already was. Three days later I was hired at the one that paid $4 higher. For two weeks I had to pull some doubles as I was in the process of quitting the hotel and starting the concierge, some days I worked from 7 AM - 10 PM and I was exhausted. But I survived, by God's grace alone.
I just finished my first week fully at the concierge and it's been challenging in and of itself. It has 27 stories, 233 units, and they range from $500k - $9Million. While waiting for my interview I saw a resident pull up in the valet with a Rolls Royce. (He actually asked me to park it later this week and I almost fan girled and died, I shut it off but I quickly handed the keys to the valet saying, "This is your job, not mine!") There's another new family who own a Porsche Panamera and a Ferrari 360. They just sold their Lamborghini because he couldn't fit in it being 6'3". (What....?) It's a big step up from the hotel, and I'm having to relearn how to handle these people and respect them and know how they work, all the while remembering they are still people. As my Dad said last night, "They put their pants on the same way you do, Lo. One leg at a time."
I opened my Bible for the first time in way too long today. And ironically I opened it to Jeremiah 29:11-13 which is one of the few passages highlighted. I almost started crying right there in Starbucks. God hadn't forgotten his people when He sent them to Babylon. He sent them into exile, but in the start of 29 we read Him telling them to flourish, get married, have kids, help the economy, and carry on knowing they would be delivered in 70 years. He was telling them, "Hey! This is gonna be hard, but try to enjoy it as best you can, do what you would normally do in Israel. And know I'm with you. Remember, I'm the one in charge here. I know the plans I have for you. I have plans for a hope and for your future! I plan to prosper you in this place of exile! I plan to give you a future where you see death because you're surrounded by your enemies! Help their economy, build them up. But don't become like them. Be my people, I am your God."
Rhys and I had another session with our pastor today for "marriage counseling", and we got on the topic of where we live and how we are to bless those we surround ourselves with, and the places where we live. As much as I have despised living in this complex, I have to remember that there is a reason I am there--and it's not just because that's the only one that was available when I graduated. I'm sure the Israelites didn't want to go to Babylon, much less know they would be there for 70 years in which case most of them would die there. But they went. And just like God promised, He delivered them and brought them home. But they had to do as he asked, they had to marry, they had to plant gardens, they had kids and they helped the economy. And while Babylon no longer exists, the Israelites do--even though they have been attacked by countless armies, countries and tyrants. Thousands of years later, the Lord is still holding his promise to them because they held theirs to His. Granted, they complained a LOT, but then again so do all humans, we just don't get documented like they do in a book that is eternal. (Thank God.)
"Don't go cryin' to your Momma, 'cause you're on your own in the real world."
The real world is very rough and harsh at times, but we are still in it to help it flourish. Because it is in our obedience to God, who tells us in the New Testament to be in the world but not of it, where we learn to love our brothers and sisters and love our enemies as we love ourselves, and when we learn to trust God through thick and thin, and remember that He has great plans for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, that we will be okay and we will make it.
My favorite Bible verse is actually Jeremiah 29:13, which is all too often overlooked. It reads, "...and when you seek me with all your heart you will find me." But in order to seek Him with all of our hearts, we must sometimes find ourselves in situations that break our hearts (or at least our wills) so that we can come before the King, as an empty vessel, wiped of all internal human strength, asking for His help and His grace to make it through.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Cor. 12:9 (ESV)
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
1 Peter 5:10
For starters, I graduated Christ for the Nations on May 15, 2015.
That was also my and Rhys' 6th month anniversary.
And the day he proposed.
We are getting married in 73 days, the day before our one year anniversary.
And that's an insane God-story in and of itself.
I also moved out on my own and got my own little apartment, and a new job.
I left the humans hotel and now work as a concierge at a high rise condo in Downtown Dallas, and the penthouse for sale is starting at $9 Million. (I struggle to count to 1,000.)
Speaking of struggles, the struggle has been very, very real since graduating Bible college and entering into "life".
I'm reminded of a song from Paramore, one of Rhys' favorite bands, in which their lyrics read, "Don't go crying to your Momma, 'cause you're on your own in the real world." And let me tell you, good God she was right. But I have cried to my Mom several times on how hard everything has been.
The apartment that seemed like it would be a good investment has been from Hell. First off, if you haven't seen me, here's a picture (not to toot my own horn but just to prove a point):
(And yes, that's Rhys on the right, this was our first Valentine's together. Awe.)
I'm as white as white gets, with green eyes, blonde hair, and I'm about 5'11".
Basically, I do not belong in the neighborhood I'm in. I'm in a ghetto. And I'm alone.
Within a few months, I had dipped into more than half of my savings just to keep up with bills, I was budgeting like a crazy person allowing myself one tank of gas for everything (which doesn't go very far when you want to see your fiance who lives 36 miles away), I ate a lot of eggs (before their price skyrocketed), a lot of ramen, and a lot of Taco Bell. (Hey, it's cheap! $4 and you're full... of gas.) My good job which I was banking on working full-time of 40 hours wasn't working out so well either. The hotel was under construction and complete renovations, so guests were not happy and we Front Desk/Guest Service Agents got the brunt of their anger, complaining and disappointments. In my last few months I also got stuck working 10 hour shifts only three days a week, which meant dipping into savings even more. And when I got home things weren't any better.
I would get home between 9-Midnight most nights, and the first three weeks of me moving there was a creepy guy who would watch me walk from my car to my apartment--which happened to be on the third floor. I had no furniture other than a blow up bed I borrowed from a co-worker for my first month. I was careful to not use too much water or A/C, and for the first few nights just lit candles because I was scared of racking up my bill. I took ten minute showers, most of them were cold because I couldn't figure out the faucet, which hit my head, but it beat a bucket so I wasn't complaining about that. My lullabies consist of car alarms, most of which I have learned to tune out rather than freak out wondering if it's mine, and abusive relationships. Two weeks ago I had a woman yelling at a drunkard in her kitchen, then yelling and telling another neighbor how she pulled out this "$3 whore" and told that B**** that she was going to blow her brains out in the parking lot. I've seen heroine needles left in the dirt by the stairs, which went missing later that night, and found hash laying outside my door. But my neighbor across from me has a giant German Shepherd, so she's the one I'm running to if I need anything. I woke up at 8 on my day off one day to drilling, terrified that someone was trying to break in, only to open the door and see two Chinese shorties and a random white guy who were just as scared to see the Bride of Frankenstein (as I imagine that's what I resembled with my gym shorts, crazy hair, and no makeup) as I was to see them. They were taking off the weatherstrips of my door, and the new ones they put on make it impossible to close my door unless I ninja kick it. Oh yeah, and it's kinda funny but a little racist in that all the African Americans are on the first floor, the Mexicans are on the second, and we whitey's are on the third. Granted, I don't have anything worth stealing, minus a couch I scored for $175 which was only three months old, and a Queen size bed and headboard I got from a friend. But it took three of us an hour to move those two things up, so I doubt anyone would even bother trying.
Needless to say, my relationship with Jesus wasn't so hot in the midst of this. I became really bitter, very angry, and very self-sufficient in thinking I could handle everything on my own and do it all in my own power. But recently, I have been falling more and more to my knees screaming, "Jesus, ayudame!" And indeed He has. I can't say he was okay or very happy with my attitude towards life, or my negligence to involve Him more, but He's gracious and loves us even when we are bratty kids who throw tempertantrums. And I threw too many. But He kept watching out for me. He kept providing. My grama would send me a little bit of money every month and that usually took care of my bills and a tank of gas which got me through one week. I "randomly" got $100 rebate for using a third party website to fly to Vegas so Rhys and I could see the venues and plan our wedding. (Which is coming in November! Woot!) I got another $100 a few months after that for using an apartment search agent--granted I don't like the place he got me, but the rebate definitely helped. I got a $200 deposit back from CFNI that my parents paid three years ago, but were gracious enough to let me keep. People would buy me meals. Co-workers would give me food they couldn't finish or didn't want-- I got a free pizza and sushi twice, and a Java Monster. I got random coupons and deals, like an $18 oil change for being with Progressive. My car insurance went down when Rhys added me to his plan, which cut his payments in half as well. So it was through random little blessings, that I was too busy and caught up in the freak out's of finances to understand or truly appreciate at the time, that got me through the summer. It was also the first summer in five years where I haven't done anything with ministry. (I was supposed to be a co-leader of a young adults group at a friend's church, but it fell through before it even started. Which ended up being a blessing in disguise as God told me to not join immediately post-CFNI, and Rhys and I ended up moving to a different church where we feel very welcomed and know we can find ways to plug in when we decide it's best.)
But it was the last blessing, the biggest one, that settled me and reminded me that God's in control, even when everything seems to be going to Hell. My old roomie from my last year at CFNI, got a job at a high rise condo in downtown and was making $4/hour more than I was. She knew I was struggling, and that I was looking for a second job (to add onto the hotel, originally I was looking at waittressing). She talked to her AGM and within a week she got me an in, which got me an interview, and within a week I had applied to two locations, both of which paid higher than I was making and were the same distance from my apartment as the hotel already was. Three days later I was hired at the one that paid $4 higher. For two weeks I had to pull some doubles as I was in the process of quitting the hotel and starting the concierge, some days I worked from 7 AM - 10 PM and I was exhausted. But I survived, by God's grace alone.
I just finished my first week fully at the concierge and it's been challenging in and of itself. It has 27 stories, 233 units, and they range from $500k - $9Million. While waiting for my interview I saw a resident pull up in the valet with a Rolls Royce. (He actually asked me to park it later this week and I almost fan girled and died, I shut it off but I quickly handed the keys to the valet saying, "This is your job, not mine!") There's another new family who own a Porsche Panamera and a Ferrari 360. They just sold their Lamborghini because he couldn't fit in it being 6'3". (What....?) It's a big step up from the hotel, and I'm having to relearn how to handle these people and respect them and know how they work, all the while remembering they are still people. As my Dad said last night, "They put their pants on the same way you do, Lo. One leg at a time."
I opened my Bible for the first time in way too long today. And ironically I opened it to Jeremiah 29:11-13 which is one of the few passages highlighted. I almost started crying right there in Starbucks. God hadn't forgotten his people when He sent them to Babylon. He sent them into exile, but in the start of 29 we read Him telling them to flourish, get married, have kids, help the economy, and carry on knowing they would be delivered in 70 years. He was telling them, "Hey! This is gonna be hard, but try to enjoy it as best you can, do what you would normally do in Israel. And know I'm with you. Remember, I'm the one in charge here. I know the plans I have for you. I have plans for a hope and for your future! I plan to prosper you in this place of exile! I plan to give you a future where you see death because you're surrounded by your enemies! Help their economy, build them up. But don't become like them. Be my people, I am your God."
Rhys and I had another session with our pastor today for "marriage counseling", and we got on the topic of where we live and how we are to bless those we surround ourselves with, and the places where we live. As much as I have despised living in this complex, I have to remember that there is a reason I am there--and it's not just because that's the only one that was available when I graduated. I'm sure the Israelites didn't want to go to Babylon, much less know they would be there for 70 years in which case most of them would die there. But they went. And just like God promised, He delivered them and brought them home. But they had to do as he asked, they had to marry, they had to plant gardens, they had kids and they helped the economy. And while Babylon no longer exists, the Israelites do--even though they have been attacked by countless armies, countries and tyrants. Thousands of years later, the Lord is still holding his promise to them because they held theirs to His. Granted, they complained a LOT, but then again so do all humans, we just don't get documented like they do in a book that is eternal. (Thank God.)
"Don't go cryin' to your Momma, 'cause you're on your own in the real world."
The real world is very rough and harsh at times, but we are still in it to help it flourish. Because it is in our obedience to God, who tells us in the New Testament to be in the world but not of it, where we learn to love our brothers and sisters and love our enemies as we love ourselves, and when we learn to trust God through thick and thin, and remember that He has great plans for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, that we will be okay and we will make it.
My favorite Bible verse is actually Jeremiah 29:13, which is all too often overlooked. It reads, "...and when you seek me with all your heart you will find me." But in order to seek Him with all of our hearts, we must sometimes find ourselves in situations that break our hearts (or at least our wills) so that we can come before the King, as an empty vessel, wiped of all internal human strength, asking for His help and His grace to make it through.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Cor. 12:9 (ESV)
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:16
1 Peter 5:10
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”
Jermiah 29:11-14 (NIV)
The struggle is real, friends, thankfully so is our gracious God.
-Saint
Lauren, Sometimes you are wise beyond your years. I read this and knew that as you have struggled with the real world so have I. You have reminded me that yes, WE ARE NEVER ALONE. We just need to look up and remember where our redemption comes from. I just wanted to say thank you for being so real in your posts. I so enjoy reading them for they minister to me at times like tonight. God bless you and your fiance.
ReplyDeleteMarilyn,
ReplyDeleteHey, I gotta thank you for continuing to read them! Sometimes I wonder if anyone else reads them all the way through because I'm very wordy. 😁 But I appreciate your words so very much, and you've encouraged me in saying I encourage you! So please keep reading, and keep smiling, it above all else keep remembering the Lord is our strength and He is in the smallest, most minute details as much as He is in the big picture.
Joy Bombs!
-Lauren