Why do I personally believe in God? While the answer is easy, the story that comes behind it is not.
You see, after years of my own struggles with this question, I finally have come to peace knowing that God is big enough, strong enough, mighty enough, and loves me enough to use my faults and misconceptions to show to the world who He truly is. I know that even though I acted like I had my life in order, I am (was) a daughter of an elder in my church & board member. I spent ten years in different Christian academies with high marks in all subjects especially in Bible. I've been in more youth groups than I can remember, was a partial-somewhat-leader in a few, read my Bible, and knew many verses. I had established a good reputation, but to say that everything was hunky-dory and that I was indeed the holier than thou girl everyone saw would be false. To an extent...
Here's why:
When I was 12 I often found myself staring at my ceiling wondering if I didn't wake up the next morning, or if the rapture happened, if I would end up in heaven or hell-I honestly didn't know. It soon became a borderline fear which often clouded my thoughts, especially in school when my teacher would read the Bible and we started the OT reading about how the Lord deals with the wicked. I remember one day I finally got the courage to ask him how one could be sure if they were a Christian or not. He tried his best to answer but in the end he confirmed my fears by saying, "I don't really know, you just have to have faith."
A few months later a pastor from the Philippines came to speak at my church. He seemed pretty cool, but he totally rocked my world afterwards. My family was walking to our car when he ran after us in the parking lot saying, "Excuse me, please wait. I have a word from the Lord for you and I would like to share it." I had never heard of anything like God speaking through someone to another human. I thought that was something that died with the prophets of old. As Pastor Jerome began to pray and speak to each of us I stood awkwardly waiting to hear what he might say to me. And it totally messed with me, in a good way. He said to me, "And to the youngest, the Lord would say to you, My daughter, My daughter, you will NOT be left behind. You will not stray to the left nor the right, but you will stay on the narrow path."
I thought my eyes were going to bulge out of the sockets and my mouth hit the ground. I had never said a word to anyone, other than my Bible teacher about my fears, not even my parents. And here this stranger, a pastor from the Philippines who didn't even know my name just spoke against it saying "You are a Christian." But he called me more than that, Pr. Jerome showed me that the Lord was really saying, "You are MY DAUGHTER. You are one I love, you are one I see. YOU ARE MINE."
Fast forward two years into the future: I'm now entering my first few months of high school. I graduated from my Christian academy, class of 11 and have entered the vicious world of a public high school which has 855 freshmen alone and over 3,000 students who know each other from past public middle schools--I knew three people, one of which was my sister.
Less than two months in, September 2005, I was robbed at gunpoint 200 feet outside my house at the gate of my community. (You can see my house from the gate.) I was coming home from a babysitting job with the dad of the family I babysat for. He asked for the code, "*7945" I replied, I knew it like the back of my hand. It didn't open. Instead as the dad kept punching and trying I watched a man walk up to my window and pull a gun on me. That night soon consisted of us in a car chase, the dad was an undercover cop who was trying to get backup, lots of shootings, lots of anger and frustration, lots of "I can hear the helicopters and sirens of help but where are they?", and a lot of faith. As I crouched, laying low, I kept praying asking for Jesus and his angels to save us, and repeating Psalm 23: 4 "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will not fear for you are with me."
That night I should have died. No questions asked or answered. It's a miracle I am alive. One of the bullets fired went through the back door of the Honda Pilot, it went through the third row of seats, through the second row and stopped halfway sticking out of the row behind my seat. We lost the suspect in the chase because he turned around and started racing towards us head on. We crashed into a wall after we lost control in a turn. My face was less than a foot away from the airbag which exploded at 200 mph. My neck should have snapped in half killing me instantly.
I walked away with no broken bones, no cuts, no bruises, no injuries at all. My God is good.
Four years later.
I'm now 18, just graduated high school, and cannot wait to move to Reno for college and start a new life. Sadly, this new life I had gained for myself was further from God than I have ever been. (No, I did not do drugs, get caught up in relationships/sex, partying, drinking, etc. I've never done any of that-PTL.) What I had done, was forget who I was in God and allowed an angry, bitter side of myself which had grown to practically consume me since my gunpoint incident and other experiences (bullying, terrible self-esteem issues, burns from people in the church) come to rear its ugly head. It got so bad that the spiritual warfare that fought to claim my life for years entered the physical realm and started to reap consequences. As a result, I attempted suicide, I became clinically depressed, I almost had several nervous breakdowns, I was unstable, I made life Hell for everyone who tried to help by constantly snapping and fighting them, and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. To sum it up, I was a mess. And I knew it, but I didn't want to fix it.
For six months, everyday was a fight to stay alive and sane. I finally moved back home to Vegas in December hoping this would help. Things only got worse before they became better. The suicidal thoughts were a constant option, but I never attempted them again, I fought verbally with my parents at least twice a week, I had "funks" at least four times a day, the worst mood swings that came out of nowhere. It was bad, but there was nothing I felt anyone could do about it.
Present Day:
The Lord is indeed jealous for me, and He will not let anything take place of him being number one in my life. But I wouldn't want it any other way. Ever since that day in Feb. 2010, the day when I gave it all to the Lord, I laid my life down in surrender and put all the junk at the cross, I have been so blessed! I have been privileged to travel the world-I've been to India twice and the Philippines in one year. I work as a missionary in the inner city of Las Vegas where I have been blessed to meet with people in the community and pray with them for God to move in their lives. I work with youth groups from all over N. America for a week at a time where I teach them how to evangelize and share their faith no matter where they go. I have seen hundreds come to know the Lord as I do, and have been even moreso blessed to preach the gospel in areas where people have never even heard of Jesus--much less seen a "white person!"
I may not live the "best" life in the eyes of the world but look at it through my eyes: I have a job which pays enough to cover my expenses, I have amazing friends who I can talk to about anything and come with them in prayer if I am struggling. I have a job where I am encouraged to love others, share truth, sing and dance every other Monday morning in worship (the other Mondays we pray for the nations), I get to see God move in new ways on a daily basis, I have a prayer room right across from my office where I can go soak in His presence, and I have the bestest best Heavenly Father, my Daddy, who has used me to speak life and truth into strangers' lives through prophetic words (in which God sometimes reveals something about their pasts which I should not know, but because I hear the voice of the Lord I do), and I can be used to see a healing or breakthrough in someone's life.
I do not criticize my looks or my body hardly ever anymore for I see how beautiful I truly am as a creation in the perfect image of Christ. I don't have a physical relationship with a boy, but I am madly head over heels in love with my Beloved Jesus who is the bridegroom that is preparing a feast in the palace of heaven for when I finally meet him one day. Sure I have bad days, but when I give them up to God he handles it. Yeah I sometimes have financial issues, but I've never gone broke. Yes being single in this world sometimes sucks, but then I am reminded that God has designed and has in mind someone who is imperfect-yet-perfectly fits me. People hurt me, but I am able to extend grace and love to them as God does for me everyday.
I know I've written a novel thus far, but please hear me out. If God can use someone like me, and stick with me after years of me "running away", why can't he use you? There is nothing that we can do or say that will stop us from being used by God. There is nothing and no one else in this world who can separate you from His love. There is no drink, no substance, no sin, no mistake, no word, no nothing that can stop you from fulfilling your destiny if you want it. That's the catch, dear reader. You can only have as much for your life as God has planned. Jeremiah 29:11 says He has good plans to prosper us and to give us a hope and a future.
But verse 13 is the catch: "When you seek me you with ALL of your heart, you will find me." I wasn't seeking God with all of my heart until February 28, 2010. That's why I suffered and struggled for eight years. It wasn't because God gave up on me, He was there the entire time. He saved me from my own hand on more than one occasion, and the same with Satan's hand. But because I wasn't searching with all my heart God couldn't really move. He loves us too much to take away our freedom of choice. It's like that old saying, "If you truly love someone you let them go, and if they don't come back they were never yours to begin with." The choice is yours, he is always with you, He will not relent until He has your all.
You see, after years of my own struggles with this question, I finally have come to peace knowing that God is big enough, strong enough, mighty enough, and loves me enough to use my faults and misconceptions to show to the world who He truly is. I know that even though I acted like I had my life in order, I am (was) a daughter of an elder in my church & board member. I spent ten years in different Christian academies with high marks in all subjects especially in Bible. I've been in more youth groups than I can remember, was a partial-somewhat-leader in a few, read my Bible, and knew many verses. I had established a good reputation, but to say that everything was hunky-dory and that I was indeed the holier than thou girl everyone saw would be false. To an extent...
Here's why:
When I was 12 I often found myself staring at my ceiling wondering if I didn't wake up the next morning, or if the rapture happened, if I would end up in heaven or hell-I honestly didn't know. It soon became a borderline fear which often clouded my thoughts, especially in school when my teacher would read the Bible and we started the OT reading about how the Lord deals with the wicked. I remember one day I finally got the courage to ask him how one could be sure if they were a Christian or not. He tried his best to answer but in the end he confirmed my fears by saying, "I don't really know, you just have to have faith."
A few months later a pastor from the Philippines came to speak at my church. He seemed pretty cool, but he totally rocked my world afterwards. My family was walking to our car when he ran after us in the parking lot saying, "Excuse me, please wait. I have a word from the Lord for you and I would like to share it." I had never heard of anything like God speaking through someone to another human. I thought that was something that died with the prophets of old. As Pastor Jerome began to pray and speak to each of us I stood awkwardly waiting to hear what he might say to me. And it totally messed with me, in a good way. He said to me, "And to the youngest, the Lord would say to you, My daughter, My daughter, you will NOT be left behind. You will not stray to the left nor the right, but you will stay on the narrow path."
I thought my eyes were going to bulge out of the sockets and my mouth hit the ground. I had never said a word to anyone, other than my Bible teacher about my fears, not even my parents. And here this stranger, a pastor from the Philippines who didn't even know my name just spoke against it saying "You are a Christian." But he called me more than that, Pr. Jerome showed me that the Lord was really saying, "You are MY DAUGHTER. You are one I love, you are one I see. YOU ARE MINE."
Fast forward two years into the future: I'm now entering my first few months of high school. I graduated from my Christian academy, class of 11 and have entered the vicious world of a public high school which has 855 freshmen alone and over 3,000 students who know each other from past public middle schools--I knew three people, one of which was my sister.
Less than two months in, September 2005, I was robbed at gunpoint 200 feet outside my house at the gate of my community. (You can see my house from the gate.) I was coming home from a babysitting job with the dad of the family I babysat for. He asked for the code, "*7945" I replied, I knew it like the back of my hand. It didn't open. Instead as the dad kept punching and trying I watched a man walk up to my window and pull a gun on me. That night soon consisted of us in a car chase, the dad was an undercover cop who was trying to get backup, lots of shootings, lots of anger and frustration, lots of "I can hear the helicopters and sirens of help but where are they?", and a lot of faith. As I crouched, laying low, I kept praying asking for Jesus and his angels to save us, and repeating Psalm 23: 4 "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will not fear for you are with me."
That night I should have died. No questions asked or answered. It's a miracle I am alive. One of the bullets fired went through the back door of the Honda Pilot, it went through the third row of seats, through the second row and stopped halfway sticking out of the row behind my seat. We lost the suspect in the chase because he turned around and started racing towards us head on. We crashed into a wall after we lost control in a turn. My face was less than a foot away from the airbag which exploded at 200 mph. My neck should have snapped in half killing me instantly.
I walked away with no broken bones, no cuts, no bruises, no injuries at all. My God is good.
Four years later.
I'm now 18, just graduated high school, and cannot wait to move to Reno for college and start a new life. Sadly, this new life I had gained for myself was further from God than I have ever been. (No, I did not do drugs, get caught up in relationships/sex, partying, drinking, etc. I've never done any of that-PTL.) What I had done, was forget who I was in God and allowed an angry, bitter side of myself which had grown to practically consume me since my gunpoint incident and other experiences (bullying, terrible self-esteem issues, burns from people in the church) come to rear its ugly head. It got so bad that the spiritual warfare that fought to claim my life for years entered the physical realm and started to reap consequences. As a result, I attempted suicide, I became clinically depressed, I almost had several nervous breakdowns, I was unstable, I made life Hell for everyone who tried to help by constantly snapping and fighting them, and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. To sum it up, I was a mess. And I knew it, but I didn't want to fix it.
For six months, everyday was a fight to stay alive and sane. I finally moved back home to Vegas in December hoping this would help. Things only got worse before they became better. The suicidal thoughts were a constant option, but I never attempted them again, I fought verbally with my parents at least twice a week, I had "funks" at least four times a day, the worst mood swings that came out of nowhere. It was bad, but there was nothing I felt anyone could do about it.
Present Day:
The Lord is indeed jealous for me, and He will not let anything take place of him being number one in my life. But I wouldn't want it any other way. Ever since that day in Feb. 2010, the day when I gave it all to the Lord, I laid my life down in surrender and put all the junk at the cross, I have been so blessed! I have been privileged to travel the world-I've been to India twice and the Philippines in one year. I work as a missionary in the inner city of Las Vegas where I have been blessed to meet with people in the community and pray with them for God to move in their lives. I work with youth groups from all over N. America for a week at a time where I teach them how to evangelize and share their faith no matter where they go. I have seen hundreds come to know the Lord as I do, and have been even moreso blessed to preach the gospel in areas where people have never even heard of Jesus--much less seen a "white person!"
I may not live the "best" life in the eyes of the world but look at it through my eyes: I have a job which pays enough to cover my expenses, I have amazing friends who I can talk to about anything and come with them in prayer if I am struggling. I have a job where I am encouraged to love others, share truth, sing and dance every other Monday morning in worship (the other Mondays we pray for the nations), I get to see God move in new ways on a daily basis, I have a prayer room right across from my office where I can go soak in His presence, and I have the bestest best Heavenly Father, my Daddy, who has used me to speak life and truth into strangers' lives through prophetic words (in which God sometimes reveals something about their pasts which I should not know, but because I hear the voice of the Lord I do), and I can be used to see a healing or breakthrough in someone's life.
I do not criticize my looks or my body hardly ever anymore for I see how beautiful I truly am as a creation in the perfect image of Christ. I don't have a physical relationship with a boy, but I am madly head over heels in love with my Beloved Jesus who is the bridegroom that is preparing a feast in the palace of heaven for when I finally meet him one day. Sure I have bad days, but when I give them up to God he handles it. Yeah I sometimes have financial issues, but I've never gone broke. Yes being single in this world sometimes sucks, but then I am reminded that God has designed and has in mind someone who is imperfect-yet-perfectly fits me. People hurt me, but I am able to extend grace and love to them as God does for me everyday.
I know I've written a novel thus far, but please hear me out. If God can use someone like me, and stick with me after years of me "running away", why can't he use you? There is nothing that we can do or say that will stop us from being used by God. There is nothing and no one else in this world who can separate you from His love. There is no drink, no substance, no sin, no mistake, no word, no nothing that can stop you from fulfilling your destiny if you want it. That's the catch, dear reader. You can only have as much for your life as God has planned. Jeremiah 29:11 says He has good plans to prosper us and to give us a hope and a future.
But verse 13 is the catch: "When you seek me you with ALL of your heart, you will find me." I wasn't seeking God with all of my heart until February 28, 2010. That's why I suffered and struggled for eight years. It wasn't because God gave up on me, He was there the entire time. He saved me from my own hand on more than one occasion, and the same with Satan's hand. But because I wasn't searching with all my heart God couldn't really move. He loves us too much to take away our freedom of choice. It's like that old saying, "If you truly love someone you let them go, and if they don't come back they were never yours to begin with." The choice is yours, he is always with you, He will not relent until He has your all.
Will you give it to Him? If yes, it's so worth it. My story is a testament to that...
Be blessed,
Saint
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