The Waiting Game.

First off, WOW!!! Over 10k views from over 10 countries-including Germany, India, France, Brazil, Ukraine, Russia, and China! I am so honoured, and honestly amazed, that so many continue to find their way to this little corner of the interwebz to hear my rants and thoughts. You guys (and gals!) rock, so much. Second, I hope this blog is helping some of y'all out there, or at least encouraging you in some way, shape, or form. That's why I started writing to begin with, I decided I wanted to try and help someone else going through some crazy junk who was fumbling around, holding all the feels, and clueless as to what they could do with them. But from the stats, I think it's safe to say I am helping someone... So woot for the one! Thirdly, there may be some changes to the appearance of this blog, so bear with me. I'm currently in a transition of life, and I'm kinda in the middle of an identity overhaul. And since I would like this blog to reflect me as best it can to those who will never meet me, it may change a lot, or not at all. We shall see. Plus, I would like to start writing more as I will have more free time since I'm graduating in four weeks. (Five years, four colleges, and two missions organization later, FINALLY!!!) 

Before you re-read that title and think, "Ugh, not another Christian dating post...." Don't worry, I'm not talking about that waiting game. (Frankly I'm getting tired of those too. Granted there were a few that blew me away and helped me so I can't knock them all, but the plethora that riddles my Facebook news feed needs to die down. As do the weddings, engagements, and baby photos...) But I digress. Today's "waiting game" is something I haven't heard of all too often which makes me wonder why. It's the game (depending on how you look at it) on waiting for God to open doors and, in a sense, "promote/showcase you" into your calling. I had to read a book for a class, which I would HIIIIIIGHLY recommend called "Anonymous: The Hidden Years of Jesus" by Alicia Chole. (Available on Amazon.com or Kindle) It is a fantastic read which enlightens the reader about how Jesus lived on earth for 33 years, yet only the last three are recorded (and even then theologians say we only know about 54 days of miracles and how He lived). Think about it: where in the Bible does it say Jesus struggled through puberty? It doesn't, but we know he did because he was fully human, not just fully God. We hear about when we was born, when the magi came and it's believed he was about 2 years old, we hear about his time in the temple when he was 12, and then He disappears until He emerges for His baptism at (around) age 30. What was he doing those other 29 years and 361 days? We don't know, but Alicia argues it was those "hidden years" of being "unseen" where He worked on the character and identity necessary to do the three years of ministry we catch a small glimpse of in the Gospels. 

I can kinda relate, but in my own American, blonde fashion. To quote my old boss who would wake up groggy and sway with her shoulders slumped to the coffeemaker every early morning of our days at summer camp, "the struggle is real." And indeed this struggle of being hidden is VERY real. 

In high school, I was an almost die hard Thespian. I loved acting because it allowed me to be all kinds of people I was too scared to be on my own, and I liked to make people laugh. But most importantly, I liked to be seen. I wanted to be noticed. And my crowning glory was junior year when I played the role of a bumbling, foolish thief who tried to rob a woman who's ex-husband had stolen everything prior that night in a hilarious One Act scene of the play "Criminal Hearts." It was ridiculous and over the top, and my partner and I reveled in the audience's laughter. We even went to State Competition for it, and barely missed the mark to go to Nationals. After that I was sold. I wanted to be seen more and make more people laugh. So come senior year, after dedicating four years of my life to the arts, I tried out for the Senior Play which was the talk of the school as it was produced solely by Seniors, and it was the nerdy equivalent to being a jock or cheerleader. But when a girl who had never come to any of our theatre gatherings of done any of the prior classes suddenly got "my" part, and I was her "understudy" (the person who studies the role and prays they get sick so you can perform) (just being honest!), and then jumped into Theater 4 even though she never did Theatre Classes 1-3 like I did, I was livid. Granted, looking back on it, that was the summer I went to Africa but if I was in the play I would have missed out on a great, life-changing adventure. So in the end, it all worked out, as it usually does with Jesus. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Truth is, I never got to be in a single play. I was the understudy several times, I was a prop master (where I got to help build a set and paint props/signs for the opening number), and I was in several lip syncs (one of which my female friends and I dressed like men and did "Men in Tights" and had a blast), and I did "Best of Show" where I performed scenes, and competed twice for State Competition. But looking back on it, I'm glad. I'm very glad, actually. Because I see now, six years later, that I was a selfish, prideful little dweeb. I was looking to use my talents to glorify myself, not God. I was looking for the spotlight, rather than the Light. 

It's kinda funny, because in the last five years especially, I flipped the switch and instead of wanting to be on the set, I wanted to hide behind the scenes. I was comfortable where no one knew me, and if I messed up, no one noticed. But God wasn't. A year ago, a friend came to me saying, "I feel like God is saying it's time for you to come out of hiding. You've been training in the shadows long enough and now He wants to use you like Gideon. You were hidden, but now He wants to do great things through you." 

Now I do two things when I'm presented with big opportunities, or truths like the one mentioned above, I overcome or I run. And last summer I was faced with the biggest one of them all. 

My boss overnight was leaving to chase after her dreams, and it was my turn to either step up or step away. It was in the middle of the summer where we served at the biggest, spirit filled youth camp in America (Youth for the Nations), and I would be on staff which was the highest honor, and scariest position, a student could obtain. And I was on the one team that everyone claimed to be the hardest because it required the most work: Merchandise. I had to run a print shop, inventory all MERCH, and run a legitimate store. But with the help of a smashing team of interns, encouragement from my bosses, Pr. Jaycee & Miss Anna Jennings, and the grace of God out the wahzoo, we had the best, most successful summer Merch had seen in the 24 year history of YFN. I promptly quit the week after we ended to focus on third year, as it would be my final year at CFNI.

Granted, yes, I was seen, by a LOT of people. My first week as the lead rather than the assistant was our biggest with over 3,000 people, and PJC made me stand on stage in front of all of them and promote the store. But then I wasn't seen by anyone. No one knew my name, no one knew my face. I was just another human, and I was fine with that.... Or so I thought. 

During my last year, these past seven months, I had the honor of coming alongside an amazing peer who was the youth pastor to an Indian Malayalam Pentecostal church. I (am) the only non-Indian in the entire congregation, which comes with the perks of everyone wants to get to know the "new girl," and like me, Indians love to eat, and I didn't have to wear a saree (although I own two from my time being a missionary to India in 2010), but I got to be creative with pairing scarves with my outfits as I had to cover my head during the services--which was great for bad hair days 'cause no one could see my head! But it was interesting, and humbling, because in my mind I thought a youth pastor to be what I saw in white American churches. Weekly delivering powerful messages, doing altar calls, worship, small groups, making a fool of themselves, hosting a game to break the ice, and ministering to teens. Immediately I saw this to be different as I only had 3 teens, the youngest being 16, and the rest of the group were pre-med students and college grads (which was intimidating as I never did "real" college past a year in 2010).

Our youth is very different than the typical American one, but it's good and works for us. We don't play games hard, but my students pray hard. They can worship and within three notes heaven has invaded our services. They don't have cliques because they don't see a difference amongst each other. And even with their 5'11" blonde chick youth leader with green eyes, they immediately adopted me as one of their own, and we are a tight knit family. We come together to learn, laugh, love and sometimes even mourn. They have different issues than the typical druggies or porn addicts, but they are just like other young adults who want to be accepted and loved. 

And once again, one of my issues was being hidden and being seen. God used my last seven months with these amazing kids to show me a pastor is not just someone who preaches from the pulpit, as I only did that a handful of times. But rather, a pastor is someone who can love and minister from the pew as much, if not more, than from the pulpit. He was teaching me how to be teachable, and how to learn from others regardless of who carried what "title." A title carries no authority, the character behind it does. The lessons learned behind the scenes confirm it. But the humility in which you allow it is what promotes it. Matthew 23:12 says, that God will exalt the one who humbles himself, but lower the one who is prideful. I tried to exalt myself in high school through my talents, and I was given the biggest piece of humble pie. But now that I'm allowing myself to be humbled, even though it's hard as crap somedays because I'm human, I'm ironically finding doors and opportunities are being opened. 

I'm actually moving on from my time with my Indian beauties because I feel like God is saying it is time. (I have a history of that in that I never seem to stay in one place for very long.) Granted, I knew going into this thing last October it was only for a short time, a season, and I have been blessed tremendously. But as this door is beginning to close, another one is quickly opening. I cannot go into detail yet, as it is not finalized nor the time to share, but I will say that if I didn't work with my Indian friends, I would have never been able to walk through this new door. And it's not just regarding this aspect of being hidden in a smaller church where no one outside our four walls knew my name, but I have learned so, so, so much. From teaching them about the prophetic during prayer times to teaching Sunday School to one little 6 year old (who is the smartest Cookie I've ever met!), I am walking away blessed and ready for the new challenges I'm about to face. 

 Few months ago, God told me He placed a secret weapon inside of me, and He said it was my voice. I always thought my voice had to be heard in large crowds to make an impact, but I'm slowly coming to realize that a big puddle starts with a small ripple effect. I don't have to speak to thousands, I just need to speak to the heart of one. And I don't need a mic or even an audible voice to speak to that heart, I could be speaking to someone's heart right now through these small words on a screen. And I truly hope I am. 

I am not where I need to be, nor do I think I'm done being hidden quite yet, although I'm beginning to see a little more sunlight every day. But allow me to leave you, dear reader, with this final thought. Perhaps you feel as though God forgot about you, or you'll never be seen, you're never going to amount to anything or anyone. You look around and all you see is the black void. You feel trapped, pressured on every side, flooded by waves of emotions. May I submit to you, beloved one, maybe you are not simply hidden, but you have been planted? A seed is hidden first deep in the ground, the it is submerged with water that may feel like it's flooding you, but it's necessary for the growth. You feel as though something is cracking or breaking, but that's good! You're breaking out of your shell. You feel pressured, or like you're in spiritual growing pains. Great! That means you're starting to grow roots! The Word of God says we will know them by their fruits, and to have good fruits requires you have good roots. So don't fight the system, it's natural, it's a process. It's painful but it's beautiful, and above all else it is necessary. 

Embrace the burial of planting, dear friends! It leads to the growth of living a fruitful life!

Many blessings on your journeys,

-Saint