Somewhere in my search for fame and glory of middle school academics (a.k.a valedictorian-ship), I gained this horrible attribute called "perfectionism." It drives me to do my best and whips me when it's not good enough. It keeps me awake at night making a mental list of my daily failures, along with how to make tomorrow better. It would make me cry as I got back tests with results beneath an A, or B depending on the classes. But more than anything, it has taken away some things that mattered: my love for dance, friends, and to this day, my relationship with God and my joybombs are still being affected by the perfection plague.
It sucked. But it sucks even moreso, because here I am, seven years later, still as hardcore perfectionist as ever but in different matters.
And the most ironic part of it all?
Yes, I got that valedictorian honor, cried when I found out three years had paid off, gave the message at graduation, and where is it now? It sits in a shoebox under my bed piled with old birthday cards, memorials, and a Lord of the Rings shirt on top of it.
It felt great to have it, for the first five months.
Five years later, I wish I kept up with dance.
Seven years later, it doesn't even matter... It certainly isn't helping me be a better missionary (current career).
As a perfectionist, I have to attain the HIGHEST value of honor... and pride. Let's face it, perfectionists have pride issues to the EXTREME. However, it doesn't always look like you would think. Not all pride includes one puffing their chests, noses high, and neon signs saying "Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!" Another pride issue is actually an insecurity, self-esteem issue.
"Pride is when we do not come into alignment with who God created us to be." (Pr. Jerome Ocampo, Jesus Flock Church, Philippines)
For the past, we'll just say "long time", I have struggled to the extremes with pride/self-esteem issues. And I let my perfectionist attitude compensate for it. I thought, if I can just make this "perfect", I will feel good. Lies. Or, "They're doing a terrible job at their parts, and my grade will suffer! I can't take that chance... Here let me 'help' you." Lie. "Well, they won't do their job, even though the boss just asked, I'll just do it for them. It's past the due date. Maybe no one will notice..." Huge lie, and dumb--because now people will just assume you will do it every time and no one learns the lessons they need to learn.
I have been reading the most awesome book, especially for female 'perfectionists' like myself, called, You're Already Amazing by Holly Gerth (HIGHLY recommend it!). While reading her section about perfection and how to beat it, the Lord spoke to me something that knocked me flat on my butt in awe, horror, and filled me with truth:
God said to me, "In your struggles to become perfect, you have subconsciously demanded that [others] must also be perfect. So when they fall short, you feel the need to take on their tasks to make it perfect. But since they are not you, and they have fallen short, you tend to 'dislike' them. But in reality, you are the real problem. Not them..."
(Hey, I'm not proud of it, and I'm working now to get rid of that attitude.)
To someone who is not a perfectionist, this makes no sense. But to my fellow perfectionists, you can agree.
Here's the truth that made me (almost) cry, Hebrews 10:14 states, "By one sacrifice [Jesus] has made perfect forever those who are being made holy."
I'm already perfect. In fact, God took it one step further. I am not just "complete" (the true etymology of perfect in the Hebrew language), but I am forever complete. I am being made HOLY as God is holy.
Wow.
I am perfect no matter what I do.
We are born complete in Christ.
We don't have to compete anymore.
We don't have to sacrifice anymore.
Perfection was sent to the grave when Christ died.
We are holy, dear brothers and sisters.
We are being made holy as God our Father is holy.
Wow...
It sucked. But it sucks even moreso, because here I am, seven years later, still as hardcore perfectionist as ever but in different matters.
And the most ironic part of it all?
Yes, I got that valedictorian honor, cried when I found out three years had paid off, gave the message at graduation, and where is it now? It sits in a shoebox under my bed piled with old birthday cards, memorials, and a Lord of the Rings shirt on top of it.
It felt great to have it, for the first five months.
Five years later, I wish I kept up with dance.
Seven years later, it doesn't even matter... It certainly isn't helping me be a better missionary (current career).
As a perfectionist, I have to attain the HIGHEST value of honor... and pride. Let's face it, perfectionists have pride issues to the EXTREME. However, it doesn't always look like you would think. Not all pride includes one puffing their chests, noses high, and neon signs saying "Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!" Another pride issue is actually an insecurity, self-esteem issue.
"Pride is when we do not come into alignment with who God created us to be." (Pr. Jerome Ocampo, Jesus Flock Church, Philippines)
For the past, we'll just say "long time", I have struggled to the extremes with pride/self-esteem issues. And I let my perfectionist attitude compensate for it. I thought, if I can just make this "perfect", I will feel good. Lies. Or, "They're doing a terrible job at their parts, and my grade will suffer! I can't take that chance... Here let me 'help' you." Lie. "Well, they won't do their job, even though the boss just asked, I'll just do it for them. It's past the due date. Maybe no one will notice..." Huge lie, and dumb--because now people will just assume you will do it every time and no one learns the lessons they need to learn.
I have been reading the most awesome book, especially for female 'perfectionists' like myself, called, You're Already Amazing by Holly Gerth (HIGHLY recommend it!). While reading her section about perfection and how to beat it, the Lord spoke to me something that knocked me flat on my butt in awe, horror, and filled me with truth:
God said to me, "In your struggles to become perfect, you have subconsciously demanded that [others] must also be perfect. So when they fall short, you feel the need to take on their tasks to make it perfect. But since they are not you, and they have fallen short, you tend to 'dislike' them. But in reality, you are the real problem. Not them..."
(Hey, I'm not proud of it, and I'm working now to get rid of that attitude.)
To someone who is not a perfectionist, this makes no sense. But to my fellow perfectionists, you can agree.
Here's the truth that made me (almost) cry, Hebrews 10:14 states, "By one sacrifice [Jesus] has made perfect forever those who are being made holy."
I'm already perfect. In fact, God took it one step further. I am not just "complete" (the true etymology of perfect in the Hebrew language), but I am forever complete. I am being made HOLY as God is holy.
Wow.
I am perfect no matter what I do.
We are born complete in Christ.
We don't have to compete anymore.
We don't have to sacrifice anymore.
Perfection was sent to the grave when Christ died.
We are holy, dear brothers and sisters.
We are being made holy as God our Father is holy.
Wow...
Saint
Exhibit A of my "Perfection Plague", this video took me 5 hours to make. It's only 1 minute long...
Mission Adventures 2012
Exhibit A of my "Perfection Plague", this video took me 5 hours to make. It's only 1 minute long...
Mission Adventures 2012
No comments:
Post a Comment